Everything Is Offensive, Deal With It!
by xXx LoverGirl xXx
Summary: Co-Writer is my cousin, I can't remember her username. Think of the most random thing you know and now multiply that by hundred. This story will not only be really confusing but also stupid, pointless and just down right silly. The story is a spoof and you will not have to play any of those games or watch any of the movies to know what's going on.


Kathy and Sarah on a lazy Saturday had wasted most the morning and currently the afternoon. They had felt like there were no brain cells left in their cranium. SpongeBob was just ending on the T.V.

"I really can't take this anymore, I'm going to pull out all my hair! Turn off the TV. I will melt at the sight of another show. Seriously!" Shout Sarah with anger and frustration as she emphasized her point by pulling her hair.

"Wanna go on YouTube?" Kathy snuggled up to Sarah as she asked, her way of begging.

"I need air! I want to go outside, live in this world. Even if it's for five minutes." Exclaimed the stir crazy Sarah, she was reacting for the controller to turn off the television. An announcer on the television however had stopped Sarah's actions.

"_Up Next, the Super Duper Mega Awesome Show. Directed by Alfred F Jones and written by Gilbert Beilschmidt. Followed by The Adventures Of Jimmy Neutron written and directed by those people..."_

Kathy and Sarah sat there in confusion for a second with their mouths opened. They looked at each other and then back at the screen. Sarah's finger was hovering over the power button. Just before Sarah turned off the television to end their misery, the show started.

_The show started with opening music, it sounds like drugs. Literally like drug, yes it sounded like smoke. With a tint of Jingle bells, try to figure that one out reader. The screen was like the opening of the Powerpuff Girls. Except instead of a heart in the middle a teacup was in its place._

Kathy batted her eyes a few times and said "Well this looks stupid."

Sarah instead bursted out with laugher, "Oh my gosh! We need to watch this!"

Kathy turned to Sarah to question her sanity. Sarah turned her attention to Kathy with a big smile on her face. Kathy continued to stare back in fear and judgment. Sarah pulled the controller closer to her. Showing that she was not willing to turn it off anymore. Nor let Kathy ruin the fun by turning it off herself.

_The Narrator began to speak as the title screen disappeared. An average everyday family home in the city showed in its place. _

"_Tifa is hosting a tea party for all her friends, Cloud lives with her. They are very poor and live in a tiny town house off the coast of Puerto Rico. So you see this house that's showing, well that's clearly not it..."_

_The house then switched to another house that almost laughable in comparison._

"_...Anyway, Cloud is VERY sensitive to kittens and unicorns, and still thinks Cait Sith is his cat."_

_The television switched to show that Tifa was in the living room with Cloud. Tifa was wearing a maid costume as she cleaned. Cloud was sitting on the couch like a bum._

_Tifa - Cloud can you clean up all you junk off the coffee table?_

_Cloud (Whining, little boys voice) - Why Tifa?_

_Tifa (Demanding) - Because I said so young man!_

_Cloud - Five more minutes, Family Guy is almost done._

_Tifa - No, now young man!_

_Cloud - Fine *Sigh* _

_Cloud cleans up the junk._

_Tifa - Okay that should be it. When people start to arrive, answer the door._

_Cloud - Yes Ma'am_

_*Door bell rings* Cloud turns off the television and goes to answer the door. Yuffie and Cait Sith are at the door._

_Cloud (Excited) - My cat is here!_

_Cait Sith - I'm not your cat, I said this a thousand times. Gosh!_

_Cloud (Loudly exclaims) - Kitty!_

_Cait Sith - Oh no, not again._

_Cait Sith jumps out of Yuffie's arms and runs away followed by Cloud who is shouting "Kitty!" Yuffie lets herself into the house and walks over to Tifa._

_Yuffie - So I cut my wrist today and I almost killed myself, but the cat cut the rope on me... Crap._

_Tifa - Okay, well you have definitely changed._

_Yuffie - Yes and I like the way I am._

_Cloud - I got him! I got him! I got the kitty!_

_Tifa - Oh okay, whatever. Honey, you should probably try to act tough now that two of the guests are here._

_Cloud - But he such a nice kitty!_

_Cait Sith - Okay let me go now or I will scratch you!_

_Cloud - Fine okay, I have to be tough now anyway... Like I always am._

_Tifa just slapped her head in grief, the doorbell then rang._

_Cloud (Overly Excited) - Oh my goodness, more guests are here... *Looks at the three others who were there and looked plainly at him. Cloud than straightens his posture and holds his high* Oh I mean uh, more guests are here. I guess that's okay._

_Tifa and Cait rolls their eyes simultaneously, Yuffie picks her nose and eats it. Cloud answers the door._

_Link - Cloud, my buddy, my man what's up?_

_Cloud (High-pitched voice) - Uh... *Cloud clears his throat and tries to make his voice deeper* Uh, nothin' to much man, you?_

_Link - Just chillin'_

_Cloud - Why are you in your pajamas?_

_Link - You want me to wear my clothes?_

_Cloud - Yeah, man._

_Link - Well okay._

_Link goes behind a bush, and after a few minutes of mindless standing around. Link jumps out of the bushes with sword in hand to do a jump attack._

_Link - AHHHH *Wearing a 70's John Travolta disco suit*_

_Zelda - My eyes, my eyes... It like Burns!_

_Cloud - Okay, you should probably wear your pajamas instead. *Looks at Zelda* You look nice today._

_Zelda - Shut up, you're only saying that because you want candy._

_Cloud - I do love my candy!_

_Link after done changing back into his pajamas, walks in the house hugging everyone there, and finds his seat next to Zelda on the couch. Link opens his mouth to say something._

_Zelda - Shut it!_

_Yuffie (Dumb sounding) - HahahahahhahahahahhahahahhahhahahahhahahA_

_Everyone looks at Yuffie._

_Zelda - Hey, that means you too._

_Tifa opens her mouth to say something._

_Zelda - Nope, I don't want to hear it._

_Cloud begins to count to three and everyone else watches as he counts down. Three, two and one._

_Everyone (Except for Zelda) - Shut Up!_

_Zelda - Oh, fine. Like whatever._

_Doorbell, Cloud goes to answer it._

_Cloud (High-pitched voice) - Hi Girls *Clears throat and lowers voice* I mean uh, hey girls._

_Sheva - Eh, whaz up?_

_Alice - Hi, so where's the couch I had to walk from our house. I need a nap._

_Sheva - Girl, why do always have to ruin the fun? We live down the road; it's not that far!_

_Alice - That's my job. Eh, if it involves me leaving the house it's always too far._

_Alice goes to the couch Zelda and Link are not on and lies down. Sheva goes over to Yuffie and Tifa._

_Sheva - Hey girl hey, my girls. How you doin'?_

_Tifa - Hey... I'm fine. Thank you_

_Yuffie (Flat sounding) - Hi, life sucks and you being in my life suck even more. *Rolls Eyes* BTW you're outfit is lame._

_Sheva - Oh no you didn't! *Snaps her fingers in a "Z" formation._

_Yuffie - Yeah I just did your so lame that... that. *Looks at Tifa because she doesn't know what else to say and then looks back at Sheva* That you don't know what to say next. Oh yeah, that's right!_

_Sheva - Oh you did now just go there._

_Yuffie - Oh yes, I did._

_Sheva punches Yuffie in the face and knocks her down._

_Sheva - No emo child is gonna ruin my night, mmmhhhmmm!_

_Cloud - Hey girls, no reason to fight over me._

_Cait - There is no way those girls would fight over you._

_Cloud (Is about to cry) - Wha... What do you mean?_

_Everyone gives Cloud a weird look._

_Cloud (Clears throat and wipes his eyes) - I mean man, you don't know if they want me... But I totally do... bro._

_Tifa slaps her head again._

_Zelda - Men that are like babies, do not like, ever get girls. Duh!_

_Link - Zelda come on girl, why do you gotta be hatin' on him? * Turns towards Cloud* Bro, don't show weakness. _

_Cloud (Clears throat) - Oh right, yeah._

_Alice (Mutters) - Who cares *Begins to snore*_

_Zelda - Definitely not you, you greaser, like... Ewww._

_Alice (Wakes up and mutters) - You know, if I wasn't so lazy I would hurt you._

_Zelda - Uh huh, whatever. I don't like, believe you. You're totally all talk._

_Sheva - Well I'm not, don't you start talking to my girl like that, sista._

_Zelda - I can and like... I just did._

_Sheva - Oh no you didn't Delta._

_Zelda - Uh, *Pushes hair behind her back* it's like, Zelda._

_Sheva - Who cares, princess._

_Those two girls glare at one another._

"Turn this off." Kathy asked Sarah. "Ha ha, no way!" Sarah said with her eyes still watching the T.V.

_Cloud - Ladies calm down _

_Cloud puts his arms flat in the hair with his hands up facing both of the girls. Everyone then noticed his boney arms and gets disgusted. Except Yuffie, she finds them attractive._

_Yuffie - Wow Cloud *Looks Star struck*_

_Cloud - I know, I've been working out. Can you tell?_

_Yuffie - Oh yes I... *Yuffie then noticed everyone staring at her in disbelief* I mean no, EW you're nothing but sticks. Forget it, you will never be attractive._

_Awkward Silence, gay baby is born. Cloud disappears. Doorbell... Doorbell._

_Tifa - Where is cloud? He should be answering that._

_Tifa hears noises from the nearby bathroom. Cloud is in it and Tifa moves to near the outside door._

_Tifa - Cloud?_

_Cloud - One-second babe, I'm just letting a dookie out._

_Loud farts and droppings are heard; Zelda is walking by and gives a disgust look to Tifa. Tifa gives apologetic smile. Loud droppings and farts are heard once more._

_Cloud - UHHH, I don't remember eating that... UHH! *More droppings are heard* Oh yes! Finally!_

_Zelda continues to stare in disbelief._

_Tifa - It was the beans he had for lunch. I'm never making him that again._

_Doorbell_

_Tifa - Oh crap... No pun intended. *Runs for the door and opens it* I thought you said you were going to Canada?_

_Jill - I was, and I was heading in that direction and I came here instead. I'm confused, Canada is south right?_

_Tifa - No honey its north._

_Jill - Oh okay, well I guess my grandma will have to wait. _

_Jill goes and sits down._

_Cait - What happened to your grandma?_

_Jill - I don't know someone called and said she died, do any of your know what that means?_

_Sheva - Yeah, girl. That means she no longer lives on earth._

_Jill - Oh so than, what planet would she be living on now?_

_Sheva - Wha...? No I meant, never mind._

_Jill - Okay so who's going to spike the tea? The last tea party I went to was crazy, one guy had twenty shots._

_Tifa - You have been to parties where they spike tea? Do you mean...?_

_Jill - Yeah, sugar. *Smiles nice and big*_

_Tifa - Oh you mean that I thought you meant..._

_Jill (Shocked) - NOO are you crazy?_

_Yuffie - Then why did you say shots? Don't you mean spoonfuls?_

_Jill - No I meant shots, it was crazy. Didn't you know that people do those kinds of things at tea parties? Jeez and people call me stupid._

_Cloud emerges from the bathroom, he opened the window so it doesn't smell as bad as before._

_Jill - CLOUD! *Runs up to give him a running hug and jumps on him*_

_Cloud - At least someone appreciates me._

_Yuffie - Hey, got off him. *Everyone turns to give her a look* ...Because Tifa is here and she probably doesn't like you hitting on her... *Whispers* 'boyfriend'._

_Tifa - I don't care, they have known each other longer than I've known Cloud._

_Alice - So do I, but I don't go jumping on people. I don't like to be touched._

_Link gets up from the couch and stands near Alice's couch._

_Link - Oh yeah? So you wouldn't like to be ticked huh?_

_Alice - Nope_

_Link - Well in that case._

_Link starts to vigorously tickle Alice_

_Alice - Hee he he, ho ho ho. Stop it! hahahhaha_

_Zelda was fuming and pulls Link by his belt to sit back next to Zelda as she glares at him. The doorbell is heard._

_Jill (Excited and loudly) - Oh! I'll get it! *Runs towards door and opens it* OHHH! It's the famous guy who made me blonde!_

_Yuffie (Walks by) - Made her dumb blonde *Scratches greasy hair*_

_Jill - Alex!_

_Wesker - Not exactly._

_Jill - Oh that's right, your name is Albergeta!_

_Wesker - Close enough sugar lips. Sorry I'm late there were some little kids who wanted me to get their cat out of a very tall tree. *Flexes muscles through leather coat* Of course I could get the cat down for those children. _

_Takes off his sunglasses and another pair of sunglasses are there. He flicks his wrist and index finger at Zelda. She puts her hands over her heart and falls backward onto Link. All the girls in unison sigh to themselves._

_Cloud - Finally, a guy who gets to work out as much as me._

_Wesker (Walks over near Cloud) - You workout? When did you start?_

_Cloud - Today, I already have a six-pack. You wan to see?_

_Wesker - Uh, no no it's okay. Keep up the good work. Besides getting a cat out of a tree isn't hard work it's fun. *Flexes again*_

_Alice (Daydreams) - Hot, just so hot... I mean I can't wait until Ganondorf gets here._

_Link (Outburst) - What? He's coming here?_

_Zelda (Blush) - Oh yes, I mean. Like darn, I totally don't want him here._

_Alice - Yeah, we were talking on Facebook for half and hour, he's bringing Ruto also._

_Cait - Who cares, he almost destroyed the planet. But sure, yeah let's be friends with him and quite literally invite him in for tea._

_Tifa - Well, maybe he just needs a friend?_

_Jill - I'll be that friend!_

_Sheva - Girlll, just shut up. *Looks at Wesker* Hey *winks*_

_Jill (Looks at Sheva) - What is that? Is it a code or something, when you close your eye like that?_

_Alice - Yeah it's code for hitting on your man._

_Jill - Oh I wish I were smart enough to know what to do now._

_Doorbell_

_Tifa - How about starting with answering the door._

_Jill (Stands there in confusion for a minute) - Oh okay! *Answers the door* Oh my gosh a fish can live out of water? I totally tried to do that with my goldfish, but it died. Same with another fish I had. But Tina the one I have currently seems to be doing a good job, I checked just before I left._

_Yuffie - Yeah, she will be died by the time you get home._

_Jill (Shocked) - What?_

_Wesker - Don't worry what that lovely lady meant to say was, your fish will be alive and well when you get home._

_Jill - Oh great!_

_Wesker (Walks over to Yuffie and winks at her) - Hey how about you and I got see a movie sometime together. *Wesker licks his lips*_

_Yuffie (Looks behind herself - Wait what, you mean me?_

_Wesker (Grins) - Yeah, I am._

_Yuffie - Sorry but I'm currently interested in someone who's name starts with the letter "c". *Yuffie covers her mouth out of fear*_

_Everyone things for a moment._

_Tifa - Nope, doesn't ring a bell._

_Ruto - Speaking of ringing a bell, we're still here... At the door you know?_

_Jill - Oh right!_

_Ganondorf - Sorry for bringing my girlfriend, but she's just the cutest thing. Isn't she just the cutest thing?_

_Everyone stares at Ganondorf in disbelief. Yuffie picks and flicks away a scab on her arm. Tifa gives Yuffie a dirty look._

_Tifa - You're going to find that scab and throw it out, got it?_

_Yuffie (Shrugs) - Eh, whatever._

_Cloud walks over next to Ganondorf casually and compares arms. Ganondorf notices._

_Ganondorf - Uh, what are you doing?_

_Cloud - Uh, nothing._

_Ruto - So Cloud, what's the spiritual meaning for your name?_

_Cloud - Um, it means a Cloud in the sky?_

_Ruto - I know, but what's the true meaning of your name?_

_Cloud - There isn't one, I think?_

_Ruto - Righteous._

_Wesker (Walks over to Sheva) - Two days ago I was lifting 210 lb._

_Sheva (Gets closer to Wesker and begins to feel his arm muscles) - Oh wow, you're so strong and so attractive..._

_The two were about to kiss until..._

_Jill - Hey guys!_

_Sheva - Yeah I'm going to go over there._

_Wesker (Sighs) - What is it Jill?_

_Jill - I'm apart of the "Wesker Fan Club"._

_Wesker's face brightens up._

_Jill - I got a tattoo of you too, wanna see?_

_Wesker opens mouth to say something..._

_Jill - Yes! Okay great! *Turns around to face the opposite direction and starts to pull down her pants.*_

_Wesker (Covers his eyes with his hands but the fingers are separated) - No no no no no. No thanks, I'm okay. Seriously. *Starts to pull up her pants for her before she goes any further than she had*._

_Jill - But I thought you said "yes"?_

_Wesker - Well I changed my mind. Wait no; I didn't even have a chance to say anything._

_Jill - But you thought about it didn't you._

_Wesker (Shocked) - Yes, but how could you tell...?_

_Jill smirks and skips away humming a show tune. She then trips over her feet and falls flat on her face._

_Wesker (Shakes head) - Why did I ever make her blonde? *Shrugs and then goes to hit on Alice who is still lying down*_

_Doorbell_

_Tifa - CLOUD_

_Cloud continues to read his comic book on the couch next to Link._

_Tifa - ClouDDD! GET THE DOOR!_

_Cloud - I'm sick and tired of getting the door._

_Tifa - What are you talking about; Jill has been getting the door the last two times. Not you!_

_Cloud - Well I don't want to get the door. You can't tell me what to do!_

_Tifa - Get the Door!_

_Cloud - Fine, if it makes you stop YELLING!_

_Tifa rolls eyes and crosses her arms._

_Yuffie - Do you guys usually fight like this?_

_Tifa - What that? That was not a fight. That was actually a good conversation._

_Wesker walks over and gets close with Tifa._

_Tifa - Don't try it._

_Wesker shrugs and they both look over at the door just in time to see Chris standing there._

_Wesker - Great._

_Tifa (Throws Wesker a dirty look) - Be nice._

_Wesker (Whines) - Do I have to?_

_Tifa - Yes_

_Wesker - Fine..._

_Cloud (At the door) - Chris! *Deepens voice* Uh hey uh... *Looks at Chris's arms* Errg, ehh, mmmm._

_Chris (Concerned) - You okay man?_

_Cloud - Uh... *Stares for a second* I'M STILL STRONGER THAN YOU! *Walks away from the door in a huff._

_Chris (Lifts and eyebrow and lets himself in and smirks) - Oh look Cloud and Tifa got themselves a cat. *Picks up Cait Sith*_

_Cait - If you kiss my forehead or pat me on the head, you will lose and eye._

_Chris - (shocked and puts Cait back down) - Okay, that was weird. Talking cats... Anything else?_

_Jill - Chrissy!_

_Chris - Oh hey Jill... I thought you were going to dye your hair back?_

_Jill - Oh yeah, forgot to do that. I have the bottle at home; I even tested it out first. I like the color I just haven't put it on me yet._

_Chris - So if you tested it out, what did you try it out on?_

_Jill - Some furry stuff growing on my walls, it started showing up on my walls about two months ago. I never knew till than that walls were being too. So I've been talking to them, I even asked if it was okay to dye them... I heard my oven go off so I think my house agreed._

_Chris stands there unsure of what to say and walks away like his world has changed._

_Ruto (Goes over with Ganondorf to be the next to greet Chris) - Peace man!_

_Ganondorf - Ahh, who are you?_

_Chris - I'm Chris Ganondorf..._

_Ganondorf - Oh yeah, right._

_Wesker (Walks over to Chris) - Hey pal, amigo, buff... Not as buff as me, best friend *Smiles with over-delight*_

_Chris (Grabs Wesker by the ear and drags him a few steps in the opposite direction of everyone) - Why did you dye Jill's hair blonde._

_Wesker (Rubs his ears and smiles) - It seemed like a good idea. You know what they say about Blondes._

_Chris - Gross man, I don't want to know anymore. Anyway, what's with the mister nice guy thing?_

_Wesker (Whisper) - Tifa told me to be nice, but I still hate your guts and will gladly kill you in a second *Smiles and puts out hand to shake on it*_

_Chris - All right I can roll with that. I hate you to and will happily send you to hell if you try anything. *Smiles back and takes Wesker's hand to shake on it*_

_Yuffie (Walks over to the boys) - Hi_

_Chris - Hey Yuffie... I see you're looking... different... It looks nice._

_Yuffie - I'm pretty sure the preferred term is "emo"_

_The three walk over back to the gathering area. Chris grabs a cookie from the coffee table._

_Alice (Still laying down on her claimed couch) - Chris *Throws an arm in the air as a wave* How's it hanging?_

_Zelda and Link stand up and begin to walk around._

_Link (Walks past Chris) - Hey man what's up?_

_Zelda - LINK! Are you even listening to me? *Grabs Link by the collar and drags him with her*_

_Chris walks behind the couch the Link and Zelda were on and leans on it. Sheva walks over._

_Sheva - Hey boy_

_Chris - Hey Sheva, haven't seen you since Africa... Where Wesker supposedly died but apparently CAPCOM decided to bring him back..._

Sarah rolls her eyes and says, "Oh brother, it wasn't CAPCOM. It was this stupid television show". "Yeah you tell those characters in this T.V. Show. I'm sure they can hear you!" Kathy replied.

_Everyone is standing there in silence, looking around in confusion._

_Chris - Okay, I guess I was wrong._

"Pause it". Kathy asked Sarah, Sarah did as asked. They sat there in silence, staring at the T.V. in confusion. "Did that really just..." Sarah broke the silence. "I think so." Kathy replied. They turned their gaze away from each other and back on the T.V. Sarah turned it back on.

_Sheva - Ummmmmmmm_

_Link, Zelda & Ruto - Ganondorf... *They all look over in his direction*._

_Ganondorf - What? What just happened? I forgot..._

_Link, Zelda & Ruto (Sigh) - Never mind._

_Tifa - That voice, what... How... I don't know..._

_Cloud - GHOSTS! *Jumps into Wesker's arms like it was planned by Wesker*_

_Cait (Runs and hides under the couch) - Meow no, not ghosts._

_Yuffie - Ha, I hope it was ghosts._

_Jill - Oh My Goodness *Screams for a very long time*_

_Alice (Sits up straight) - SHUT UP!_

_Jill (Whimpers) - Hmmm... Okay *Smiles*_

_Wesker - Oh please, I can handle anything. Including ghosts, don't worry ladies... *Drops Cloud and walks over to Alice. Grabs her chin with his index and thumb and stares into her eyes.* I can handle anything._

_Alice (Blushing) - Oh Wesker... I would love to kiss you right now... But well *changes mood* I just remembered I'm tired and no longer care. If I don't now who knows you may all break out in song and dance to 'Which Backstreet Boy Is Gay?' Goodnight everyone. *Leaves before anyone else can say goodbye._

_Chris - Look at the Wesker, a girl saw through your crap._

_Wesker - Zip it zippy._

_Chris smirks to himself. The doorbell is heard._

_Jill (Stands up from where she was and runs to the door) - OH! I'LL GET IT! I'LL GET IT! I'LL GET IT! I'LL GET IT! I'LL GET IT! I'LL GET IT! I'LL GET IT! I'LL GET IT!_

_Zelda (Whispers to Ruto) - It's amazing how long she can hold her breath._

_Ruto nods._

_Jill (Smiles but than drops the smile) - Excella, how nice it is... To um, see you... *Looks over to the other person standing there and is happy again* IRVING!_

_Irving - Yo, Jill. Girl, whaz up?_

_Josh - No, just no..._

_Sheva (Moves near the door) - Is that my boy Josh I hear?_

_Josh - Sheva! *Hugs her*_

_Wesker (Shoves himself through the crowd) - Hey I'm suppose to be the one everyone hugs..._

_Excella (Excited) - Wesker! Honey! *Goes to hug him*_

_Wesker (Turns around & whispers) - Crap _

_Wesker begins to walk away and Excella follows close behind him. Everyone outside walks inside and closes the door._

_Tifa (Claps her hands to get everyone attention) Okay so it looks like everyone is here. So I'm going to brew the tea now, go out in the backyard and make yourselves at home in the meantime. Just don't go near my flowers, if you so much as look at them. I will know._

_Cloud - She would too._

_Everyone but Tifa goes out in the backyard. The screen faded to black._

"_We will continue this program after these short messages..."_

Kathy and Sarah sat there in confusion of this show. "Soo, what do you think?" Sarah asks, Kathy tilts her head towards Sarah and says "I'm still not sure, but why are there so many Resident Evil characters in it?" Sarah just laughed to herself and said, "Lets get something to eat during the meantime.


End file.
